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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 3

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Listen to the show here! (mp3)

Howdy, football fans!  Not everyone is pleased with how last week went.  Perhaps no one is more distressed than Frank Beamer, who watched his Hokes lose again, this time to I-AA powerhouse James Madison.  Tim Brewster’s Minnesota squad lost to a I-AA team, too, putting his job in further jeopardy.  It’s not hopeless for these guys, though.  Take Kansas as an example: they upset Georgia Tech a week after their I-AA loss.  Still, as the season goes on, these kinds of losses become harder and harder to take.  So who will be a victim of a killer cupcake in week 3?  Let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Ohio at Ohio State

After holding steady in the face of a Hurricane, Jim Tressel’s nuts will try to defend themselves against the Athens pride.  The cats have been stingy on defense, but they haven’t faced competition like they’ll see in the Horseshoe.  The lesson here is that these trees won’t make good scratching posts.  Beonard’s loser?  Ohio

Arkansas at Georgia

SEC play begins for Arkansas on Saturday, although it’s also the beginning of legitimate competition for the pigs.  Neither team has been very willing to let opponents into the end zone, but Bobby Petrino’s squad may do just that if they keep looking at next week’s game with Alabama.  This will be a close game, but it won’t mean much, except that the red clay hounds are better than their loss to South Carolina.  Beonard’s loser?  In an upset, Arkansas.

Kent State at Penn State

After a rough trip to Tuscaloosa, Joe Pa’s kitties will appreciate the return to Happy Valley.  Kent State comes into this game amid a three-game road trip.  The Flashes couldn’t get it done to start the trip, and that’ll continue this week.  Beonard’s loser?  Kent State

Massachusetts at Michigan

With the last-minute win over Notre Dame last weekend, the Wolverines showed that their fortunes may finally be turning around.  They can’t rest just yet, though, as the Amhurst riflemen will be marching into Ann Arbor.  The Minutemen have won both of their battles so far, but they’ll find these weasels too much to handle.  Beonard’s loser?  Massachusetts

Northern Illinois at Illinois

The Huskies start a three-game road trip with a journey down to Chambana to face Ron Zook’s tribe.  The Illini had no trouble getting Saluki pelts last weekend, but they’ll find these pups a little tougher to tame.  The DeKalb doggies have a good rushing attack, but they’ll find themselves rushing to week 4.  Beonard’s loser?  Northern Illinois

Ball State at Purdue

Danny Hope’s iron workers picked up their first win of the season last week in a lackluster defeat of Western Illinois.  This weekend, they’ll face an in-state opponent in the form of the Ball State Cardinals.  The Muncie birds lost at home to Liberty, and they’re not likely to fare any better against a locomotive — speeding or otherwise.  Beonard’s loser? Ball State

Arizona State at Wisconsin

The Sun Devils take their unblemished record into Camp Randall Stadium in the hopes of burning the hair off of Bret Bielma’s Badger boys.  The desert demons have averaged 47-and-a-half points in the first two weeks, but that’s hasn’t exactly been against top-notch competition.  The cheeseheads have done their own cupcake smashing, and they’ll make sure it’s the visitors who end up singed.  Beonard’s loser? Arizona State

USC at Minnesota

Things went from bad to worse for the Gilded Rodents last week when they lost to South Dakota.  On Saturday, it goes from worse to worser as the L.A. wooden horse gets wheeled into TCF Bank Stadium.  Despite the off-the-field kerfuffle, Lane Kiffin’s squad will be ready to do some varmint huntin’, and there’s not much the Twin City faithful can do to stop it.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Indiana at Western Kentucky

Willie Taggart must be glad to return to the top of the hill after getting demolished on the road in the first two weeks.  They’ll play host to a Hoosier squad that shellacked Towson, but remains mostly undefined.  Bill Lynch needs the Basketballtown Boys to tune up for the start of Big Televen play in two weeks, and this trip to Bowling Green should do just that.  Beonard’s loser? Western Kentucky

Notre Dame at Michigan State

The 74th battle for the Megaphone Trophy kicks off on Saturday in East Lansing.  After a heartbeaking loss last week, Brian Kelly will try to earn absolution for the papal pigskin squad.  Scoring points against the untested Spartan defense shouldn’t be a problem, but containing the potent rushing attack might be.  In the past nine years, the home team has only won the trophy once, but that might become twice.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Notre Dame

Iowa at Arizona

After two straight easy home games, Kirk Ferentz takes his Iowa City flock down to Tuscon to face off against the local feline population.  Mike Stoops hasn’t seen his squad face real competition yet, so he might not know what to expect.  What I expect is to see fur and feathers flying, and a bunch of neutered kittens at the end.  Beonard’s loser? Arizona

Okay, folks, that’s about enough pigskin prognostication for one week.  Join me again next week when we’ll have another crop of losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 2

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Howdy, football fans!  The college football season got off to an interesting start in places like Mississippi and Kansas.  Of course, if you ask the crowds there, they’d prefer life a little less interesting if it’s all the same.  Not to worry, though, we saw the traditional cupcake sacrifices, too, and none worse than the 72-to-nil whuppin’ that the Oregon Ducks gave to New Mexico.  That stings from here!  Fortunately, week two is a time to right the ship and try again.  After all, half of the teams in college football are undefeated right now.  With the pep talk out of the way,  let’s take a look at this week’s games.

San Jose State at Wisconsin

Bret Bielma’s Badger boys are used to facing off against Spartans, but the Greeks they’ll meet on Saturday aren’t quite as impressive as the ones from East Lansing.  Mike MacIntryre will try to get his first win as the leader of this army, but he’ll be lucky if the score’s better than last week’s 48-3.  Beonard’s loser?  San Jose State.

Illinois State at Northwestern

The Normal birds fly up to Evanston on Saturday to face Pat Fitzgerald’s purple kittens.  Ryan Field has become less hospitable of late, and the Redbirds will need to have their claws sharp if they want to pull out some fur.  In fact, they’d probably ought to go ahead and book a flight home, because I doubt they’ll be able to fly back on their own.  Beonard’s loser? Illinois State.

South Dakota at Minnesota

After tunneling out of a second-half deficit against Middle Tennessee, the gilded rodents look forward to the relative ease of facing South Dakota.  Coyotes have been known to eat their share of groudhogs, but Brewster’s buck-toothed brigade will come out of this one on top.  Beonard’s loser?  South Dakota

Michigan State versus Florida Atlantic

Although it’s not technically a home game for the spear-toters, it’s at least at a familiar battlefield.  This will be to their advantage when coaching legend Howard Schnellenberger brings his flock of Owls up from Fort Lauderdale.  Mark Dantonio feels like his East Lansing army hasn’t gotten enough respect around the conference, so he’ll probably use this weekend to try out a few things in preparation fro Notre Dame next Saturday.  Despite the long view, the visiting nocturns will have a long flight home.  Beonard’s loser? Florida Atlantic

Western Illinois at Purdue

In what may be the manliest matchup of the weekend, the Leathernecks will arrive at the West Lafayette switching station to face Danny Hope’s bartenders.  After a tough loss to Notre Dame, the gold and black choo-choo could use a confidence boost.  Fortunately, the leathery necks of the visitors won’t be too stiff.  Beonard’s loser? Western Illinois

Florida State at Oklahoma

The Tallahassee tribe head into Oklahoma to get another win for their new chief.  After a slaughter of the Samford Bulldogs, they’re feeling pretty confident, but Bob Stoops will have his wagons circled.  The Norman wagon train had a good test last weekend and should be ready to fight off the invaders.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one: Florida State

Iowa State at Iowa

After pulling out some dog fur, the Amesnado sweeps into Iowa City to try to reclaim the Cy-Hawk trophy.  The winds might cause a bit of a problem for the pass-happy offense of Kirk Ferentz, but his birds know how to fly through a storm.  This may be a bit closer than the past few matchups, but once again, the Hawks won’t be plucked.  Beonard’s loser? Iowa State

Michigan at Notre Dame

Cardinal Kelly got his tenure off to a good start in last week’s excommunication of Purdue.  This week, he’ll play host to the Wolverines.  If anyone could use a blessing right now, it’s RichRod, who needs a few signature wins to keep getting signatures on his pay check.  So long as the Domers can keep Michigan’s versatile quarterback in check, the Indiana Vatican will remain holy another week.  Beonard’s loser?  Michigan.

Miami at Ohio State

The ACC/Big Ten Challenge happens a few months early when Randy Shannon’s cyclone makes landfall at Columbus.  The ‘Canes are used to knocking trees out of their way, but Jim Tressel’s nuts are unflappable. This will be a great game, but Sweatervest will make sure the trees remain standing.  Beonard’s loser? Miami

Penn State at Alabama

JoePa’s kitties head into Bryant-Denny Stadium hoping to knock the pachyderms off their perch.  With both a key defender and the defending Heisman winner stuck on Nick Saban’s bench, the visitors have a lucky break.  Still, the felines line up with a freshman quarterback, who hasn’t faced this kind of pressure before.  It won’t be easy, but the Tide will roll.  Beonard’s loser? Penn State

Well, my friends, that’s about all I’ve got for you this week.  Come back here next week when I’ll have more losers for you.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 1

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Due to technical problems, this week’s Beonard’s Losers has not been recorded.  Sorry for the lack of audio, and also the late post.

Howdy, football fans! It’s been a long, crazy off-season. Conference shuffles mean the Big Ten and Big XII are about to get very confusing. Notre Dame continues to insist that the calendar says 1989. At least they’re not USC, which is facing a two year ban from post-season play. Or BYU who just this week hopped on the independent bandwagon.  All-in-all, it’s enough to make you ready for the start of football season. Once again, we’ll be looking at the Big Televen, plus Notre Dame and a selection of top-25 matchups. Now that the introductions are out of the way, let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Marshall at Ohio State

Doc Holliday’s Herd thunders into Columbus on Thursday evening, and will try to give their coach an unblemished start to his career. Jim Tressel’s nuts come into the season ranked number two, and they’d hate to give that up so quickly. The Bucs have a big trip to Miami scheduled for the following weekend, but Ol’ Sweatervest will keep them focused. Beonard’s loser? Marshall.

Towson at Indiana

The Tigers stalk into Memorial Stadium in the hopes of catching the home team playing a game of basketball. Bill Lynch needs his boys to defend the rock early and often if he wants to keep his job much longer. Fortunately for him, Indiana’s been fairly good at starting the season with a few wins. Beonard’s loser? Towson.

Minnesota at Middle Tennessee

It’s a color clash on Thursday night when Tim Brewster brings his gilded rodents into Murfreesboro to take on the Blue Raiders. The pedagogues are no slouches, winning their last six games on 2009, including the New Orleans Bowl. The groundhogs, meanwhile, haven’t won six in a row since 2003. It hardly feels right picking a Sun Belt Conference team to win against the Big Ten, but there you have it. Beonard’s Loser? Minnesota.

Youngstown State at Penn State

Have you ever seen a Penguin try to fight a Lion? Let me tell you, friends, it’s not a pretty sight. With Bobby Bowden out of the way, JoePa can run up the lifetime wins total without having to worry about any competition, including from the visiting team. Beonard’s Loser? Youngstown State.

Western Michigan at Michigan State

The Broncos start the season by taking a ride into East Lansing to take on the green and white warriors. Soldiers traditionally get along pretty well with horses, but these spear-toters would much rather fight on foot. With a fairly agreeable conference schedule, Mark Dantonio hopes to sneak his way atop the conference standings at the end of the season, and feasting on horse meat is a good way to start. Beonard’s Loser? Western Michigan

Eastern Illinois at Iowa

Unlike Youngstown and Penn States, this matchup favors the avian team.  Iowa worked their way into the national championship discussion last season, and you know Kirk Ferentz will have his flock ready.  Kinnick Stadium is just no place for kittens.  Beonard’s Loser? Eastern Illinois.

Illinois versus Missouri

With the Arch Rivalry scheduled to go on hiatus for a few years, it could be Ron Zook’s last chance to win this contest.  Mizzou has gone 5-0 in games played this century and the Chambana tribe ain’t too thrilled about losing again.  Unfortunately for the natives, Zook’s squads have been masters of disappointment, and this hunting trip looks to end in disaster.  Beonard’s Loser? Illinois.

Purdue at Notre Dame

With a new coach at the altar, the Papal pigskin squad will try once again to bring glory back to the Indiana Vatican.  Adjusting to a new system is never easy, though, and the West Lafayette locomotive has already had a year with Danny Hope in the engine.  If the conductor can keep from calling a timeout at the end, the train will roll on through.  Beonard’s Loser?  In an upset, Notre Dame.

Connecticut at Michigan

It’s not often Connecticut is a “must beat” team, but that’s very much the case for RichRod and his Ann Arbor animals.  The winningest program in college football can’t be happy with a third straight losing season, and dropping the season opener at home would not be a good start.  The Hartford pups fared pretty well in the Big East last year, but playing in the Big House is a different game all together.  Beonard’s Loser?  In a close one, Connecticut.

Northwestern at Vanderbilt

Robbie Caldwell had better be an expert deep-sea diver, because Vanderbilt currently sits at the bottom of the ocean.  His salvage efforts will be hampered by Pat Fitzgerald and the purple kittens.  It’s not too often we see the Big Televen and SEC face off, but the Dixie-dwellers would just as soon this game doesn’t happen.  By the end of the day, the Evanston felines will be Nashville cats.  Beonard’s Loser? Vanderbilt

Wisconsin at UNLV

For the second time in four seasons, the cheese-eaters head for the bright lights of the Las Vegas strip.  In 2007, the Badgers only managed to win by 7 points.  This year, the game should be a little more one-sided.  Bret Bielma wants to come into the game against The Ohio State 6-0, and his boys will steamroll anyone who tries to get in the way.  Beonard’s Loser?  UNLV.

Well, friends, that’s about all I’ve got time for this week.  Stay tuned for next week when we have a whole ‘nother crop of losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2009, Week 12

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This week’s predictions

Well, the college football season is beginning to wind down.  I was finally able to find a #3 Purdue basketball jersey yesterday, so I’ve pretty much shifted entirely away from football at this point, which is part of the reason I was again too lazy to record this week’s show.  But this afternoon is the Battle for the Old Oaken Bucket.  The Bucket game is one of the biggest sporting events in the state of Indiana, and frequently a cause for…discord between my wife and myself.  Silly IU fans.  This game also determines the quality of the Thanksgiving celebration with my in-laws…more specifically whether or not I can discuss the subject of football.  Fortunately, Purdue leads the series 69-38-6 and is 11-2 against IU since 1997.  Boiler up!

I’d also like to take a moment to re-compare to my stats to the sports writers at the local paper.  They also predict all the Big Ten games, but the number and selection of games from other conferences sometimes differ from mine.  But still, here we are:

  1. Beonard (FunnelFiasco.com) – 0.753
  2. Jeff Washburn (Journal & Courier) – 0.736
  3. Nathan Baird (Journal & Courier) – 0.709
  4. Mike Carmin (Journal & Courier) – 0.700
  5. Sam King (Journal & Courier) – 0.673

Beonard’s Losers — 2009, week 10

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This weeks show

This week’s excuse for not recording is that my wife has what seems to be a feverless flu.  I do want to go on record as saying I think Purdue can beat Michigan, but I’m not sure they know it.  This is about how I felt before the upset of tOSU: Purdue is capable of winning, but I’m not going to expect it.  Enjoy your Saturday!

Beonard’s Losers — 2009, week 9

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This week’s show is posted, just under the wire.  I’d also like to take a moment to compare my stats to the sports writers at the local paper.

  1. Beonard: 0.783
  2. (tie) Nathan Baird and Jeff Washburn: 0.762
  3. Mike Carmin: 0.725
  4. Sam King: 0.675

Now, we don’t always pick the same games to cover, but it does give me joy to stack up against the professionals.

Beonard’s Losers — 2009, Week 8

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This week’s predictions

I’m not very good at this, am I?  Halloween Party preparation (yes, I know it’s a week early, you’ll get over it) has kept me busy this week.  Next week I promise I’ll record the show, and maybe even have another blog post or two.

So let’s talk football.  Holy crap, did you know Purdue can actually play a full 60 minutes of football?  That hasn’t happened in a while, nor has a win against a ranked team.  Yay!  Also, I think Michigan State could pull off the upset against Iowa, but the past two weeks I’ve thought Iowa would lose and both times they’ve proved me wrong.  Maybe they’re a better team than I give them credit for?

In a manner similar to Iowa’s perennial owning of Penn State, I really wanted to pick BC over Notre Dame.  I just can’t see it happening this year, even though it would bring me much joy.

Aaaaand finally, TCU is undefeated, but they don’t have any wins against teams that I would call “good.”  BYU will get the upset, and I don’t even think it will be all that close.

Beonard’s Losers — 2009, Week 7

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This week’s show (no recording this week, too busy with this)

I’m not even going to talk about Purdue football anymore.  As of this writing, we are just under 20 days from the start of basketball season.  I have to admit, though, it did warm my heart to see that IU lost so spectacularly.  I wasn’t as pleased with Michigan losing, although I’m normally not opposed to the idea.  I picked Iowa to be upset again this week, in the hopes that the Badgers will be a bit kinder to me.  I said earlier this season that Iowa isn’t as good as they seem to be, and I stand by that, although I’m quickly being made to look the fool.

On a happier note, I’ve discovered a Big Ten blog called “First and Big Ten“.  It’s been a great insight into the other teams around the conference, and a valuable reference when it comes time to write my Beonard’s Losers scripts.

Beonard’s Losers — 2009, week 6

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This week’s show.

I’m rather proud of myself. For the first time in a long time I got the script for Beonard’s Losers written by Sunday night.  That’s a good thing, since I’ve included a Thursday game into the mix this time.  Of course, being done ahead of time doesn’t really help if I don’t record it until Thursday evening.  Oh well, baby steps.

At this point, I’d normally talk some about last week’s games.  I’m not sure I can bring myself to do that in a way that would still leave this post family-friendly.  Purdue played one of the most awful games of football I’ve ever had the misfortune to watch.  It was an absolute travesty, and it’s not the first time this season that my beloved Boilers have folded.  I hate to place the blame on a coach that’s been in charge a full 5 games, but there’s clearly some problems in the program.  There’s talent on the field, we’ve seen it (just never for an entire game).  Our big problems are mental errors, and at some point you have to say “well the coach just doesn’t have them well prepared.”  I wanted to say that Purdue will beat Minnesota this weekend.  I think they’re certainly capable of it, but I can no longer pick them to win until they’ve shown that they can.  Is it basketball season yet?