Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 13

Howdy, football fans!  The end of the season is almost upon us.  Many teams play their final games this weekend.  For some teams, the final game is for pride, but many teams are playing for bowl positioning or even a chance at the the BCS Championship.  So let’s take a look at this week’s game.

Auburn at Alabama

One of the best SEC West games this season has no bearing on the division.  Gene Chizik’s cats have clinched a seat in the SEC championship game, so now they’re playing to keep their likely spot in the BCS Championship game.  To do that, they’ll have to hold off the Tide in Bryant-Denny Stadium.  The Tigers have relied on their offense to outscore the opponent, but this game will depend on the defense.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Alabama.

Arizona at Oregon

Mike Stoops brings his kittens into Autzen Stadium on Friday afternoon with one goal in mind:  to pluck the Ducks and ruin their bid for the BCS Championship.  Chip Kelly’s flock had only 15 points two weeks ago against, Cal, but they’re still averaging over 50 points per game.  This may be the most explosive offense ever, and the Sun Devil defense just won’t be able to contain it.  Beonard’s loser? Arizona

Northwestern at Wisconsin

Bret Bielma’s Badger boys have their eyes on the Rose Bowl, but to get there, they’ll need the three-way tie at the top of the Big Ten to continue.  Their mission is to dispatch the purple kittens heading north from Evanston.  Pat Fitzgerald’s squad is missing their starting quarterback, so they puts them in a tough spot.  The cheeseheads have been nearly untouchable in Camp Randall Stadium this year, and it’s unlikely they’ll get cat scratch fever.  Beonard’s loser?  Northwestern

Michigan State at Penn State

Mark Dantonio’s spear-toters nearly saw their Rose Bowl chances slip away last week against a lousy Purdue squad, and they’ll have to be a little more careful in State College if they want to stay in the race.  JoePa has announced that he has at least one more season in Happy Valley, and he’ll need it to end the season on a high note.  The Nittany kitties are winless against ranked teams this year, and Sparty will make sure that trend continues.  Beonard’s loser? Penn State

Iowa at Minnesota

The gilded rodents stunned the football world with a surprise victory over Illinois two weeks ago.  They’ll close the season by hosting the Hawkeyes in TCF Bank Stadium.  Iowa needs to snap a two-game slide to get a better bowl berth, and they’ve got an easy opponent to face.  But at the Illini learned, the rodents may be down, but they’re still capable of a nasty bite.  Beonard’s loser?  Minnesota

Michigan at Ohio State

RichRod may have gotten the Wolverines back into the postseason, but there’s still an important goal he has not met.  The Columbus sweatervests own a 6-game streak in The Game, and it’s become a sore issue in Ann Arbor.  The visitors have the offense to keep up with the nuts, but the defenses couldn’t be further apart.  A win today could keep the Bucs in a BCS Bowl, so don’t expect to see an upset in the Horseshoe.  Beonard’s loser? Michigan

Notre Dame at USC

Brian Kelly ends his troubled first season on the road Saturday in Troy.  The Papal pigskinners will go to a bowl this year, even if they lose this and end up 6-6, but they’d much rather get the win.  Both teams have unimpressive resumes, minus a pair of upsets on November 13.  In this case, I have to go with the home team. Beonard’s loser?  Notre Dame

Indiana at Purdue

Both teams nearly pulled off an upset last week.  Instead, they’ll both stay home for Christmas and settle for battling for the Old Oaken Bucket.  The boys from Basketballtown have won this trophy twice in the past decade, and not in the West Lafayette switchin’ station since 1996.  Strength will be set against strength and weakness against weakness, but the train always has plenty fo steam for this game.  Danny Hope’s squad will clear the tracks, and perhaps rid Bill Lynch of the burdens of employment.  Beonard’s loser?  Indiana

Well, friends, that’s all I have for you this week, come back again next week when we’ll have more losers.

Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 12

Howdy, football fans!  I apologize for missing last week, but it worked out well for me.  Who would have expected Minnesota to win a game?  Or for Utah to lose to Notre Dame?  For that matter, does anyone expect that Bret Bielma will be voted ‘Most Popular’ by the other Big Ten coaches after running up the score against Indiana?  Wisconsin may still actually be scoring points from last week’s game.  But we’ve got football on the baseball field and coaches trying to keep the paycheck coming, so let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Wisconsin at Michigan

Bret Bielma’s Badger Boys look to keep their Rose Bowl hopes alive in their last road game of the season.  With two straight wins, RichRod moves to .500 in the Big Ten this season and, mo re importantly, keeps himself from getting thrown to the curb.  The hometown animals will need to use every bit of their offensive prowess to stay in this game, as the cheeseheads have made it clear what they do to lousy defenses.  Beonard’s loser? Michigan

Purdue at Michigan State

Danny Hope’s bartenders have the distinction of being the only team that failed to score an offensive touchdown against one of the country’s worst defenses.  They’ll have to do better than that if they want to pull off an upset in East Lansing on Saturday.  Mark Dantonio’s spear-toters  need this win to remain the front-runners for a trip to Pasadena.  I don’t see a scenario where they don’t decimate the visitors.  Beonard’s loser? Purdue

Penn State vs Indiana

Bill Lynch will try to salvage the season, and potentially his job, this weekend.  He can thank the IU athletic department for this game being played in Landover, Maryland instead of Bloomington, and that probably won’t do his team any favors.  Joe Pa’s kittens have had a rough time getting to the end zone this year, but against a team that gave up 83 points last week, they should do fine.  Beonard’s loser? Indiana

Ohio State at Iowa

The birds would like nothing more than to help determine the Big Ten champion by knocking off Jim Tressel’s nuts in Kinnick Stadium.  Two of the top 10 scoring defenses in country will make this game one for the ages, but Kirk Ferentz will need more reliable offensive production than he’s seen if he hopes to keep from breaking his beak.  Beonard’s loser?  Iowa

Illinois at Northwestern

This may be the most embarrassing game of football played all season, and it has nothing to do with the players.  Due to safety concerns at Wrigley Field, both teams will try for the same end zone for the entire game.  With Northwestern’s quarterback out for the season, I can only guess that the Illini signal caller will be under center for both teams.  Maybe we’ll just have a game of two-hand touch.  Beonard’s loser? Northwestern, the Big Ten, and football fans everywhere

Army vs Notre Dame

In another football-game-played-in-a-baseball-stadium moment of brilliance, Army takes on the Fighting Irish in Yankee Stadium.  At least there’s enough room there for two end zones.  Army is in the unusual position of being able to prevent Notre Dame from becoming bowl eligible while having already qualified themselves.  Unfortunately for the Black Knights, the task may not prove as easy as some of their other wins have been.  Still, Brian Kelly’s squad has shown the ability to lose badly to service academies, so all is not lost for the West Pointers.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Army.

Well, friends, that’s all I can muster this week.  Come back again next week when we’ll have some Thanksgiving losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 10

Listen here!

Howdy, football fans!  I must apologize for last week’s embarrassing performance.  In my defense, who would have expected Michigan State and Missouri to lay an egg on the same weekend?  And who could have foreseen Tulsa defeating Notre Dame — an outcome that will no doubt put a bit more pressure on Brian Kelly.  Undoubtedly, the tragic death of Declan Sullivan weighed on the minds of those in the Indiana Vatican last weekend, and we here at Beonard’s Losers offer our condolences.  Still, in the wake of tragedy, the show goes on, so let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Wisconsin at Purdue

Danny Hope’s battered squad lost another player to a season-ending injury last weekend.  The Badgers, meanwhile, are well-rested and in a four-way race for the Big Ten title.  Is there a word for when a derailed train goes further off the tracks?  Because that’s what we’ll see in Ross-Ade Stadium.  Beonard’s loser? Purdue

Minnesota at Michigan State

Mark Dantonio’s squad decided to take their bye week a few Saturdays early.  That’s the only explanation for their terrible performance in Iowa City.  Fortunately, they’re still tied for the lead in the Big Ten with a easy schedule to finish the season.  They’ll probably take out their frustration on a pack of rodents that seems to have given up all hope, having lost eight straight and their coach.  This won’t be pretty, but hopefully the spear-toters will skewer the groundhogs quickly.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Iowa at Indiana

Fans of both teams will recall the near-victory by the Hoosiers in Iowa City last year.  Kirk Ferentz will look to avoid the need for any more miracles when he swoops into Bloomington on Saturday.  If the birds can use their rigid defense to stop the potent passing attack of the basketballers, their offense will peck the home team to death.  Beonard’s loser?  Indiana

Illinois at Michigan

Ron Zook’s tribe may have three losses this year, but they’re all to teams in the top 15 of the BCS standings as of this week.  Two of Michigan’s three losses have come against top-tier teams, too, but they’re on a bit of a slide lately.  A win on Saturday keeps the folks in Ann Arbor from grabbing their pitchforks, but RichRod won’t escape that easily.  Even if the Wolverines can put their offense in gear, the defense will do them in.  Beonard’s loser? Michigan

Baylor at Oklahoma State

Baylor leads the Big XII South.  Let that sink in for a moment.  Baylor leads the Big XII South, but the Cowboys are gunning for that spot.  To do that, they’ll use their 45 points-per-game offense.  But the Bears aren’t so easy to take down:  their offense can rack up the points too, and their defense is about what you’d expect from an angry ursine.  The balls will be flying in Boone Pickens Stadium, and the ranch hands will eventually tame the wild beast.  Beonard’s loser? Baylor

TCU at Utah

Two undefeated teams battle for the right to be completely ignored by the BCS on Saturday.  Both sides have been prone to obliterating opponents, which isn’t too surprising given the kind of competition they’ve faced.  Kyle Whittingham would love to win one last Mountain West championship before moving to the Pac 10, but he’ll find the Frogs too Horny on Saturday.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Utah

Northwestern at Penn State

JoePa is looking for his 400th win this weekend, and it would be great to see that happen in Happy Valley.  Perhaps it might even be enough to quiet the rumbles coming out of State College all season.  The Evanston kittens are capable of ruining those plans, though, so the hometown cats had better stay on their toes.  The fur will fly, but in the end the visitors will need to find their own litter box.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Northwestern

Alabama at LSU

It’s a race to stay relevant in the SEC West on Saturday when the tide roll into Tiger Stadium to take on the bayoux bengals.  A win keeps Nick Saban and company in control of their own destiny, since a date with Auburn still awaits.  For Les Miles, a win just means he still has the chance to get lucky.  This will be a very interesting game and it should come down to which team’s offense will be able to move the ball, but by the end of the game, the Gumps will have caught a Tiger by the toe.  Beonard’s loser? LSU

Okay, friends, that’s all the Smart Pill Machine gave me this week.  Come back again next week for more losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 9

Howdy, football fans!  This is the part where I’d make a few humorous remarks about the previous week, but the Smart Pill Machine is on the fritz this week, and I can’t get much out of it.  Before I waste what I do have, let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Northwestern at Indiana

The purple kittens head into Basketballtown with the intention of breaking a two-game losing streak.  Bill Lynch’s squad will be defending their hopes of becoming bowl-eligible later this season in addition to defending the rock.  Unfortunately for the home team, defending is not something they’ve done much of this year.  It should be offense-versus-offense, and I think the felines are a bit more offensive.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Indiana

Purdue at Illinois

Danny Hope may have to start his fourth-string quarterback in Champaign on Saturday, which gives the tribe’s tomahawks an extra glint.  Ron Zook’s squad has allowed less than thirteen points per game against unranked opponents, and they should have no problem derailing the iron horse.  Beonard’s loser? Purdue

Tulsa at Notre Dame

The Indiana Vatican turns into the Golden Corral this weekend when the Golden Hurricane sweeps in to take on the golden domers.  After a tough loss to Navy, Brian Kelly finds himself going to confession for the fourth time this season.  The typhoon’s offense may be cause for alarm, but even the mediocre Notre Dame offense can score against the cyclones.  Beonard’s loser? Tulsa

Michigan State at Iowa

After blowing last week’s game, Kirk Ferentz and his eglets look to remain in the hunt for the Big Ten title.  To remain relevant, they’ll have to break the spears of the Spartans.  This is the last game standing between Mark Dantonio and an easy road to Pasadena, so don’t expect the visitors to be spending too much time on tourism.  The Hawkeyes have a stout defense, but they won’t be able to contain the rushing soldiers.  Beonard’s loser? Iowa

Missouri at Nebraska

The Columbia cats silenced their critics last weekend by upsetting Oklahoma, and they’ll try to cement the Big XII North with a win over the shuckers on Saturday.  Of course, the home team wouldn’t mine one last title before they jump to the Big Twen next year.  Neither team has been very stingy against ranked teams, but the Mizzou defense is a little bit ahead of the Land of Lincoln.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Missouri

Oregon at USC

The Ducks may be number one in the hearts of the voters, but the computers keep them in the silver medal spot.  A convincing win in the Los Angeles Coliseum just might fix that problem.  Lane Kiffin’s defense is going to need their best performance if they’re going to stop a team that hasn’t scored less than 40 points in a game this season.  On Saturday, we’ll witness the fall of Troy.  Beonard’s loser? USC

Ohio State at Minnesota

After blowing off some steam against Purdue, Jim Tressel takes his nuts to TCF Bank Stadium to take on the tarnished rodents.  This hardly seems like a fair fight, and if the Gophers have any dignity intact at the end of the game, I’ll eat my britches.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Michigan at Penn State

Last year, Michigan started 5-0 before ending with 7-game losing streak.  This year, Michigan started 5-0 and is on a 2-game losing streak that they desperately need to snap in Beaver Stadium.  Happy Valley isn’t very happy these days, with grumbles about whether or not it’s time for JoePa to retire.  If he wants to stick around another year, he’ll have to make sure he defense tightens up to contain the Michigan offense, but the Penn State offense needs some work too.  Beonard’s loser? Penn State

Well, friends, that’s all I’ve got for you this week.  Come back again next week for more losers!

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 8

Listen here!

Howdy, football fans!  The football world is starting to come into sharper focus.  Except nobody has any clue who the top team in the country really is.  Fortunately, I’m here to help you sort through the confusion, so let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Michigan State at Northwestern

Sparty finds itself at the top of the Big Televen this week, and will keep that in mind on Saturday.  The purple kittens have had a week off to recover from their unexpected loss to Purdue, and they’ll need all eight of their remaining lives to survive this game.  Michigan State is due for a stumble, but they’ll make it out of Evanston unharmed.  Beonard’s loser? Northwestern

Purdue at Ohio State

The West Lafayette locomotive has picked up a head of steam, and Danny Hope will need the fire going full blast as he tries to clear the tracks of some Ohio trees.  After a punishing loss in Madison, Jim Tressel’s nuts need to avoid getting kicked in a repeat of last year’s “Purdue Harbor” upset.  Don’t count the bartenders out of this game, but I wouldn’t put much money on them either.  Beonard’s loser? Purdue

Penn State at Minnesota

With the Valley less Happy these days, Joe Pa probably welcomes the chance to go on the road against a team that his kittens can use as a scratching post.  With a mid-season dismissal of Tim Brewster, the Gopher leadership has shown that they’ve given up on this season.  Don’t expect to see much heart from the players either.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Indiana at Illinois

After three straight weeks of playing “State” teams, Ron Zook heads back to the Chambana campground for the easier portion of the conference schedule.  Up first is an Indiana team that struggled to beat Arkansas State at home last weekend.  The tribe have been tough defensively, and could prove problematic for the basketballers’ potent passing attack.  Bill Lynch needs two more wins to get the Hoosiers to their second bowl game this millennium, but that won’t happen this week.  Beonard’s loser? Indiana

Notre Dame vs Navy

After 43 straight losses, the Midshipmen are 2-1 against the Domers in the past three years.  Brian Kelly hopes to even the score in East Rutherford Saturday afternoon and extend the longest winning streak in his Notre Dame career.  Although neither team has been offensively potent, expect the Navy rushing attack to run all over the Pope’s boys.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Notre Dame

LSU at Auburn

It’s Tiger-on-Tiger action as two unbeatens fight for control of the SEC West in Jordan-Hare Stadium.  Auburn has allowed at least 27 points in conference games against teams not named “Mississippi State”, so they’ll need to put their 40.7 points-per-game offense to good use.  Unfortunately, LSU boasts the nation’s 11th best scoring defense.  On the other hand, Les Miles has had some remarkably bad clock management practices, and I still expect LSU’s luck to break at any time.  Beonard’s loser? LSU

Wisconsin at Iowa

After uprooting the Buckeyes, Bret Bielma’s Badger boys head into Iowa City to try to ground Kirk Ferentz’s flock.  This game should be a slugfest, but it will be hard to knock the Hawkeyes out of their nest.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Wisconsin

Nebraska at Oklahoma State

The Cowboys have ridden to a 6-0 record on the backs of their trusty steed “Passing Offense”.  On Saturday, they’ll welcome their first ranked opponent into Boone Pickens Stadium.  The shuckers have an an easy start themselves, which has allowed them to reel off over 300 yards per game on the ground.  This game comes down to defense, then, and the cowpokes haven’t exactly been the best of shots.  Beonard’s loser? Oklahoma State

Oklahoma at Missouri

Thanks to Wisconsin, the Sooners find themselves at the top of the BCS rankings this week, and they’ll try to hold on to that position when they head into Columbia Saturday night.  Gary Pinkel’s squad has some good stats through the first half of the season, but their resume is pretty weak.  Expect Bob Stoops to expose a few flaws in the Tigers.  Beonard’s loser?  Missouri

That’s all we’ve got time for this week.  Tune in again next week to catch more losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 7

Howdy, football fans!  If there’s anything worse than a loser, it’s a sore winner.  Last week, when Wisconsin went for two with a 25-point lead, the rest of the football world looked unkindly at Madison.  But we’re going to take a kind look at this week’s games.

Illinois at Michigan State

After leaving Happy Valley with a new fur coat, Ron Zook leads his tribe into East Lansing to take on the undefeated spear toters.  The Chambanites gave up 13 points to a struggling Penn State offense, so they’ll have a tough time against the potent rushing attack that Mark Dantonio’s squad brings.  Sparty will lose at some point this season, but not this weekend.  Beonard’s loser? Illinois

Arkansas State at Indiana

After losing the last two games, Bill Lynch will be glad to defend the rock against a Sun Belt Conference opponent.  The Red Wolves are thoroughly ungood and should prove a good practice for the Basketballtown boys.  Beonard’s loser? Arkansas State

Minnesota at Purdue

After an upset in Evanston, Danny Hope’s locomotive looks to clear the tracks of the invading rodents.  The northern visitors look to snap a five-game skid.  It’s a movable object versus a stoppable force in West Lafayette, but if the bartenders can move the football, they should roll.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Minnesota

Western Michigan at Notre Dame

Brian Kelly is 0-2 against the state of Michigan this year, but he hopes to improve that when the Broncos ride into the Indiana Vatican on Saturday.  The horsies haven’t been very impressive so far, and the Dome will stay holy.  Beonard’s loser? Western Michigan

Arkansas at Auburn

SEC West powerhouses face off in Jordan-Hare Stadium when the pigs try to take on the Alabama cats.  The Razorbacks may not be as prolific at scoring as their hosts, but they’ve got a stouter defense.  Gene Chizik hasn’t faced a loss yet this year, but I think that ends this week.  Beonard’s loser? In an upset, Arkansas

Iowa at Michigan

After a manhandling by Sparty last weekend, the Ann Arbor faithful remembers last years 5-1 start that preceded a second-half collapse.  RichRod’s job depends on avoiding a repeat of 2009, and that’ll require a good showing against the Hawkeyes.  The Iowa flock lead the nation in scoring defense and they now have a blueprint for shutting down the blue.  With a lackluster defense, the Big House will be a sad house on Saturday.  Beonard’s loser? Michigan

Ohio State at Wisconsin

Jim Tressel takes his nuts into the Great White North to defend their number-one ranking against the cheeseheads.  The Badgers rush attack will challenge the Bucs, but they may not have an answer when the roles are reversed.  One things for sure, though.  This week if Bret Bielma chooses to go for the two-point conversion, it’ll be because he needs it.  Beonard’s loser? Wisconsin

Well, everyone, that’s all I’ve got for you this week.  Come back here next week when we’ll have more losers, and hopefully no sore winners.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 6

Listen here!

Howdy, football fans!  It’s hard to believe we’re at Week 6 already.  Is the season shaping up the way you thought it would?  I’m sure Brian Kelly expected to have more than two wins at this point, and very few people expected an undefeated Michigan.  Mark Dantonio probably didn’t anticipate being hospitalized twice, but Danny Hope may have foreseen Purdue’s injury woes based on the play-calling we’ve seen so far.  But the past is behind us, so let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Indiana at Ohio State

Bill Lynch’s basketball stars have proven that they can score points — they rank 13th in points for, and 4th in passing yards — but they’ll have a tough time against a Buckeye squad that only allows 14 points per game.  Jim Tressel’s nuts have seen the end zone a few times themselves, ranking 8th in points scored, which could prove to be a challenge for the mediocre Hoosier defense.  This is proving to be a good year for the Hoosiers, but they won’t like what happens in the Horseshoe.  Beonard’s loser? Indiana

Minnesota at Wisconsin

The gilded rodents tunnel into Camp Randall Stadium on Saturday to try to get their paws on Paul Bunyan’s Axe for the first time since 2003.  Their best hope is to catch the cheese eaters still licking their wounds from last week’s loss to Sparty, but Tim Brewster’s squad hasn’t shown themselves to be much good at anything. Bret Bielma’s Badger boys have been outscoring their opponents pretty well so far, and the axe will likely stay in Madison another year.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Illinois at Penn State

Ron Zook’s tribe prepare for battle in Happy Valley on Saturday, looking better than they have in the past few years.  They hope to get the pelt of a sleeping kitty, but Joe Pa sleeps very lightly.  Although the Lion offense has sputtered, the defense has held unranked opponents to 9 points per game — just what you’d expect from Linebacker U.  This may be a rebuilding year for the Pennsylvania pussycats, but they’ll have no problem chasing away the Indians.  Beonard’s loser? Illinois

Alabama at South Carolina

The Tide continue to roll thanks to their nation-best defense and high-scoring offense.  This weekend, they’ll try to flood the Gamecocks out of Williams-Brice Stadium.  Steve Spurrier needs this win to keep the Gainesville reptiles within pecking distance.  This should be a fine SEC matchup, but I don’t think the home team can stop the rising waters.  Beonard’s loser? South Carolina

Michigan State at Michigan

Separated by one spot in both polls, these in-state rivals prepare for season-defining battle in the Big House.  RichRod has leaned heavily on his rabid quarterback to make up for the anemic Wolverine defense, so you can bet Sparty’s game plan revolves around stopping one particular player.  The spear toters haven’t exactly been the model defense so far, but they’ve done well enough to let the balanced offensive attack work.  Normally, a big rivalry game favors the home team, but with Mark Dantonio’s recent health woes, you know the green and white will be playing extra hard for him.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Michigan

LSU at Florida

It’s a matchup between the two SEC division leaders when the Bayou Bengals head into the swamp to take on Urban Meyer and his crocs.  After winning the last two games by a touchdown or less, Les Miles would love to run up the score in Gainesville.  That could be a tough mission, since the Gators haven’t given up more than 17 points in a home game.  With the offense declawed, the visiting felines will have to rely on their ferocious defense.  This could be a low-scoring game, and I’m not sure how much more distance Miles can get in these close ones.  Beonard’s loser?  In an upset, LSU

Purdue at Northwestern

Danny Hope is said to be taking his squad into Evanston on an ambulance, since they’re likely to need one by the end of the game.  The offense has been plagued by injuries and they’re not likely to get very far against Pat Fitzgerald’s 18 points-per-game defense.  The Cats have had Purdue’s number in the past few years, and it’s hard to see any way that they don’t derail the locomotive.  Fortunately, there are likely a few future doctors in the house.  Beonard’s loser?  Purdue

Well, my friends, that covers it for this week.  Come back here next week when we’ll have more losers!

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 5

Due to time constraints, this week’s Beonard’s Losers has not been recorded.

Due to technical problems, this post came out after the games were played. I promise I didn’t change any of my predictions.

Howdy, football fans!  I’d like to say something here, but as a Purdue alum, I’m afraid I’ll tear my ACL.  So let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Ohio State at Illinois

The Chambana tribe’s schedule takes a turn for the difficult this weekend when Jim Tressel’s nuts march into Memorial Stadium.  After a tough game against Northern Illinois, Ron Zook’s squad needs to tighten up if they hope to scalp the number two team in the country.  Unfortunately for them, the Bucs will dominate this game.  Beonard’s loser? Illinois

Northwestern at Minnesota

Pat Fitzgerald’s purple kittens stalk into the Gopher hole on Saturday, looking to hand the gilded rodents their fourth straight loss.  Tim Brewster, meanwhile, really wants a home win to keep his job another week.  The chipmunks have been good at moving the ball through the air, but they won’t be able to match the visitors.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Texas vs Oklahoma

After getting surprised by UCLA last weekend, the cattle are anxious to redeem themselves by hooking the Norman wagon train.  Their resume has been a little weak so far, and they’ve not been able to put up good numbers anyway.  Bob Stoops’ boys have given up more points than they might like, but they’re still outscoring opponents by 10 points per game.  Beonard’s loser? Texas

Wisconsin at Michigan State

The Greeks welcome Coach Dantonio back to the helm, and they’ll need his leadership against Bret Bielma’s Badger boys.  Both of these teams rely on the run attack, so this will be a traditional “three yards and a cloud of dust” Big Televen game.  This game will be won or lost by the defense, and I’ve got to think the rodents will be a bit more spear-resistant.  Beonard’s loser? In a close one, Michigan State

Michigan at Indiana

RichRod has gone from being in danger to leading an undefeated team with the second most rushing yards in the country.  They’ll rush into Basketballtown to try to defile Bill Lynch’s rock.  The Hoopsters are feeling pretty good about their team, lead by the potent passing attack, but they’ll learn a lot about their team this week.  Beonard’s loser? Indiana

Florida at Alabama

It’s a matchup of tough, undefeated SEC teams in Bryant-Denny stadium.  The swamp lizards have scored a lot of points with their balanced attack, but they’re going to have a tough time against the pachyderm defense, which has allowed a football-best 9.8 points per game in the first third of the season.  Combined with a lethal running game, and the home team will be hard to beat.  Beonard’s loser? Florida

Stanford at Oregon

The surprise of the Pac-10 will try to plant some roots in the Autzen Stadium turf on Saturday.  To do that, they’ll have to contain the most offensive team in football, and that’s not just the uniforms.  The quack attack averages a staggering 317 yards per game in rushing alone.  They’ve only allowed 11 points per game so far, but 22 per game in the two games against BCS opponents.  This should be an exciting game to watch, but I have a hard time picking against the Ducks in this.  Beonard’s loser? Stanford

Notre Dame at Boston College

The annual battle for the Pope’s blessings takes place in Alumni Stadium this week.  Brian Kelly could use a few blessings at this point, as his team has suffered three straight losses.  Fortunately for him, the Eagles seem entirely average this year.  In their only game against BCS competition so far, the East Coasters laid an egg.  On Saturday, the yolk will be on them again.  Beonard’s loser? Boston College

Penn State at Iowa

Two teams that have lost to ranked opponents, but haven’t played any other competition face off in Iowa City in a race that could decide who gets to go to Pasadena in January.  Both teams have allowed 12-ish points per game, so it’s a matter of who can get the offense going.  With Linebacker U’s linebackers looking questionable so far, the Hawks will have plenty of room for runs and short passes, so expect to see a lot of that.  Beonard’s Loser? Penn State

Until next week, my friends, try not to be a loser!

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 4

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Howdy, football fans!  It hasn’t been the best week for Michigan State.  Shortly after their last-second overtime win against Notre Dame, coach Mark Dantonio suffered a heart attack.  He’s out of the hospital now, and we wish him a speedy recovery.  Then on Tuesday, a player was arrested for his alleged involvement in a laptop theft ring.  The Big 12 has some mixed news, as it has gained nearly $7 million in exchange for losing Colorado a year early.  Of course, I also have to mention this week’s Mascot Fight, in which Rufus Bobcat got the best of Brutus the Buckeye.  You’d think that by late September the drama would all be on the field, but I guess it’s just not to be.  So while we wait for more non-playing drama, let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Austin Peay at Wisconsin

After a close call against Arizona State last weekend, Bret Bielma’s Badger boys will be glad to bring some easier competition back into Camp Randall Stadium.  Austin Peay hopes to enjoy the luck that some other I-AA teams have had this year, but it’ll be the Governors that get vetoed.  Beonard’s loser? Austin Peay

Ball State at Iowa

Kirk Ferentz’s flock got plucked last weekend, but on Saturday they return to the friendly confines of the Kinnick Stadium nest.  The Muncie fowl need to snap their skid before heading into MAC play, and ruling the roost in Iowa City would be a great confidence boost.  Unfortunately for them, the hometown birds aren’t likely to take kindly to strangers.  Beonard’s loser? Ball State

Bowling Green at Michigan

RichRod can’t afford to take any opponent lightly, after narrowly escaping the Massachusetts milita last weekend.  The Falcons fly in to Ann Arbor with the nation’s 29th best passing yardage — and a 0-2 road record.  The Wolverine defense has allowed more points as each week goes by, and once again it’ll be the offense called to save the day.  This game may be closer than most Michiganders would like, but they’ll be happy with the result.  Beonard’s loser? Bowling Green

Northern Colorado at Michigan State

For the fourth straight week, the Bears play a team with “State” in the name.  This weekend, it’s the East Lansing spear-toters.  After last week’s dramatic win, Sparty could use a bit of a break, but the Greely gang are no slouches.  They average over 45 points per game this season, albeit against weaker competition.  With Notre Dame last weekend and Wisconsin and Michigan coming up, this has all the makings for a trap game.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Northern Colorado

Central Michigan at Northwestern

The purple kittens have gotten themselves off to a solid start, quietly working their way into the top 10 defenses in football.  On Saturday, they’ll host the number four defense.  With both of these teams better when they don’t have the ball, it could be a low-scoring game, but the pass-happy play should keep things lively enough.  Pat Fitzgerald has shaped his herd into a force to be reckoned with, and they’re well on their way to a school-record third straight bowl game.  Beonard’s loser? Central Michigan

Toledo at Purdue

The old gold and black locomotive picked up some steam last weekend in a win over Ball State, and it’ll need that momentum when Toledo blasts into the West Lafayette switching station.  Tim Beckman and company oughta feel right at home in the Cradle of Astronauts, but that might not be such a good thing.  The missiles have lost their only home game, and won both of their road matchups.  On Saturday, however, they won’t be able to get into orbit.  Beonard’s loser? Toledo

Alabama at Arkansas

The number two and number five scoring defenses face off in what’s sure to be a lively Razorback Stadium.  The Tide D made it a full nine quarters into the season before they surrendered a touchdown, and last week’s dismantling of Duke was the first time a team has scored twice.  The piggies, meanwhile, gave more points to Georgia last week than Alabama has allowed at all.  Still, it’ll be tough for either team to move the ball.  At the end though, there’s a reason Alabama is the top-ranked team.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Arkansas

Eastern Michigan at Ohio State

In yet another Big Ten-vs-MAC matchup, the Eagles fly into the Horseshoe to try and get their first win.  Not a chance.  Beonard’s loser? Eastern Michigan

Stanford at Notre Dame

After two straight losses to Big Ten teams — and you wonder why the Irish decided to remain independent — Brian Kelly will try his luck against the California tree.  Stanford’s had no problem scoring points, having scored at least 35 in each of their first three games.  Although the Pope’s boys can score too, they’ll really need their defense to step up if they hope to win this game.  After a promising defeat of Purdue to start the season, Brian Kelly has looked  more and more the sinner every week.  Beonard’s loser?  Notre Dame

Temple at Penn State

The most lopsided active “rivalry” in football kicks off in Happy Valley Saturday afternoon, with the Owls looking for their fourth win — not only of the season, but of the series.  The winged professors have shown that they’re not the pushover they’ve been in years past, but Joe Pa’s kitties have their claws sharp.  Beonard’s loser?  Temple

Akron at Indiana

Just when you thought there couldn’t be any more MAC teams playing against the Big Ten this weekend, the Zips head into Basketballtown to take on Bill Lynch’s unproven squad.  The winless kangaroos are nearly last in points for and points against.  Frankly, I’m surprised that the cream and crimson aren’t defending the rock against Jackson Creek Middle School.   Beonard’s loser? Akron

South Carolina at Auburn

Another matchup of ranked SEC teams is in store for us Saturday evening when Steve Spurrier takes his Cocks into Jordan-Hare Stadium to take on the Auburn kittens.  Both teams are hoping to remain undefeated in conference play, but the home team certainly needs it more, with the depth of the SEC West.  South Carolina has a stout defense, despite the 19 points they let Furman have.  Meanwhile, Auburn has struggled to keep teams in the teens, and that just won’t work against this kind of opponent.  Beonard’s loser? Auburn

Oregon State at Boise State

With the wheels coming off Virginia Tech’s season, Boise State needs to make the most of this second game against a ranked opponent.  Mike Riley’s flattails haven’t had the best of luck keeping opponents off the scoreboard, and that’s a real problem when you’re playing on the blue turf of Bronco Stadium.  Critics can say what they want about strenght of schedule, but when it’s the real deal, the Boise Broncs know how to ride off into the sunset victoriously.  Beonard’s loser? Oregon State

Northern Illinois at Minnesota

The last of the MAC/Big Ten games kicks off in TCF Bank Stadium when the Huskies take on the “Please Don’t Fire Me. Love, Tim Brewster”s.  This is quite the pillow fight and I’m not entirely convinced either team should win.  I do think that things look very bad for Mister Brewster.  Beonard’s Loser? Even if they win, Minnesota

West Virginia at LSU

Bill Stewart takes his squad down from the mountain to do a little bit of explorin’ in the Baton Rouge swamp.  The visitors let Marshall go to overtime, so they’ll want to fix their defenses before they encounter the Bayou Bengals.  Les Miles and company don’t seem to be able to throw the ball, but they can slink downfield just fine, and they sure don’t like letting strangers have their way in Tiger Stadium.  Beonard’s loser?  West Virginia

Okay, folks, that’s all I can come up with this week.  Come back here next week and we’ll talk about some more losers.

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Beonard’s Losers — 2010, Week 3

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Howdy, football fans!  Not everyone is pleased with how last week went.  Perhaps no one is more distressed than Frank Beamer, who watched his Hokes lose again, this time to I-AA powerhouse James Madison.  Tim Brewster’s Minnesota squad lost to a I-AA team, too, putting his job in further jeopardy.  It’s not hopeless for these guys, though.  Take Kansas as an example: they upset Georgia Tech a week after their I-AA loss.  Still, as the season goes on, these kinds of losses become harder and harder to take.  So who will be a victim of a killer cupcake in week 3?  Let’s take a look at this week’s games.

Ohio at Ohio State

After holding steady in the face of a Hurricane, Jim Tressel’s nuts will try to defend themselves against the Athens pride.  The cats have been stingy on defense, but they haven’t faced competition like they’ll see in the Horseshoe.  The lesson here is that these trees won’t make good scratching posts.  Beonard’s loser?  Ohio

Arkansas at Georgia

SEC play begins for Arkansas on Saturday, although it’s also the beginning of legitimate competition for the pigs.  Neither team has been very willing to let opponents into the end zone, but Bobby Petrino’s squad may do just that if they keep looking at next week’s game with Alabama.  This will be a close game, but it won’t mean much, except that the red clay hounds are better than their loss to South Carolina.  Beonard’s loser?  In an upset, Arkansas.

Kent State at Penn State

After a rough trip to Tuscaloosa, Joe Pa’s kitties will appreciate the return to Happy Valley.  Kent State comes into this game amid a three-game road trip.  The Flashes couldn’t get it done to start the trip, and that’ll continue this week.  Beonard’s loser?  Kent State

Massachusetts at Michigan

With the last-minute win over Notre Dame last weekend, the Wolverines showed that their fortunes may finally be turning around.  They can’t rest just yet, though, as the Amhurst riflemen will be marching into Ann Arbor.  The Minutemen have won both of their battles so far, but they’ll find these weasels too much to handle.  Beonard’s loser?  Massachusetts

Northern Illinois at Illinois

The Huskies start a three-game road trip with a journey down to Chambana to face Ron Zook’s tribe.  The Illini had no trouble getting Saluki pelts last weekend, but they’ll find these pups a little tougher to tame.  The DeKalb doggies have a good rushing attack, but they’ll find themselves rushing to week 4.  Beonard’s loser?  Northern Illinois

Ball State at Purdue

Danny Hope’s iron workers picked up their first win of the season last week in a lackluster defeat of Western Illinois.  This weekend, they’ll face an in-state opponent in the form of the Ball State Cardinals.  The Muncie birds lost at home to Liberty, and they’re not likely to fare any better against a locomotive — speeding or otherwise.  Beonard’s loser? Ball State

Arizona State at Wisconsin

The Sun Devils take their unblemished record into Camp Randall Stadium in the hopes of burning the hair off of Bret Bielma’s Badger boys.  The desert demons have averaged 47-and-a-half points in the first two weeks, but that’s hasn’t exactly been against top-notch competition.  The cheeseheads have done their own cupcake smashing, and they’ll make sure it’s the visitors who end up singed.  Beonard’s loser? Arizona State

USC at Minnesota

Things went from bad to worse for the Gilded Rodents last week when they lost to South Dakota.  On Saturday, it goes from worse to worser as the L.A. wooden horse gets wheeled into TCF Bank Stadium.  Despite the off-the-field kerfuffle, Lane Kiffin’s squad will be ready to do some varmint huntin’, and there’s not much the Twin City faithful can do to stop it.  Beonard’s loser? Minnesota

Indiana at Western Kentucky

Willie Taggart must be glad to return to the top of the hill after getting demolished on the road in the first two weeks.  They’ll play host to a Hoosier squad that shellacked Towson, but remains mostly undefined.  Bill Lynch needs the Basketballtown Boys to tune up for the start of Big Televen play in two weeks, and this trip to Bowling Green should do just that.  Beonard’s loser? Western Kentucky

Notre Dame at Michigan State

The 74th battle for the Megaphone Trophy kicks off on Saturday in East Lansing.  After a heartbeaking loss last week, Brian Kelly will try to earn absolution for the papal pigskin squad.  Scoring points against the untested Spartan defense shouldn’t be a problem, but containing the potent rushing attack might be.  In the past nine years, the home team has only won the trophy once, but that might become twice.  Beonard’s loser?  In a close one, Notre Dame

Iowa at Arizona

After two straight easy home games, Kirk Ferentz takes his Iowa City flock down to Tuscon to face off against the local feline population.  Mike Stoops hasn’t seen his squad face real competition yet, so he might not know what to expect.  What I expect is to see fur and feathers flying, and a bunch of neutered kittens at the end.  Beonard’s loser? Arizona

Okay, folks, that’s about enough pigskin prognostication for one week.  Join me again next week when we’ll have another crop of losers.

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