Beonard's Losers

2009, Week 1

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Howdy, football fans! At long last, the college football season is upon us again. It seems clear that Leonard Postosties will never again fire up the smart pill machine, so I will do my best to honor his legacy with my own prognostications. Of course, you're not here to listen to me jabber on, so let's take a look at this week's games.

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana

When the chicken salesmen pull into Basketballtown on Thursday night, they'll find a Hoosier squad who wants another taste of the success they had two years ago. The Colonels finished last season as the Ohio Valley Conference champions, and Indiana would be a good fit in that conference. Dean Hood's soldiers are ready for battle, but the crimson creampuffs will find a way to defend the rock. Beonard's loser, in a close one: Eastern Kentucky

Oregon at Boise State

The best Thursday night game in recent memory happens on the blue turf at Bronco Stadium this week. First-year coach Chip Kelley leads his flock east, and it's anyone's guess which uniform combination they'll have on. The horsemen will have to keep from being distracted by the bright feathers of the visitors. Both teams can make magic happen on offense, so it will come down to who can get the stops and set the tenor for the rest of the season. Beonard's loser: Oregon

Navy at Ohio State

Jim Tressel's nuts have lost their last three bowls games, and they're anxious to regain credibility on the national stage. They can start by torpedoing the Midshipmen when they sail into Columbus on Saturday. The sailors aren't the powerhouse they were back in the day, but they're been enjoying a fair amount of success lately. They'll try to get 2009 off to a good start by cracking some acorns, but that ship has already sailed. Beonard's loser: Navy

Akron at Penn State

Joe Paterno begins his eight millionth year as the head coach of the Pennsylvania felines. The Nittany kitties have spent the summer playing with their ball of yarn and are ready to pounce to the top of the Big Televen. They'll get warmed up by clawing at some Ohio kangaroos. The Zips hope to be able to hop safely out of Happy Valley, but they forgot to take the catnip out of their pouches. Beonard's loser: Akron

Montana State at Michigan State

When Rob Ash stalks his Bozeman Bobcats into East Lansing, he'll find Spartan Stadium has been well-fortified against invaders. The spear toters will have their weapons sharp, and even if they don't, the cats will still serve as an animal sacrifice. Beonard's loser: Montana State

Minnesota at Syracuse

The Big Ten's most improved team starts the season on the road in the Carrrier Dome against the Big East's reigning cellar-dweller. The Orange have a new coach, but he won't be able to turn the team around this quickly. Tim Brewster's rodents are primed for tunneling their way up the Big Ten standings, and that tunnel begins in New York. Beonard's loser: Syracuse

Toledo at Purdue

Theres a new Hope in West Lafayette, and the engineers hope that the gold and black locomotive can get back on track. They'll try to shovel some coal in when Toledo comes into the switching yard. Toledo hopes to gain more altitude than they did last year, but they should know better than to blast into the cradle of astronauts. Beonard's loser: Toledo

Northern Iowa at Iowa

Kirk Ferentz and his fowl friends welcome the Cedar Falls kittens. The Hawkeyes are flying high again, but swooping down on an FCS team doesn't take much doing. Expect to see the raptors use this as a practice to sharpen their claws for next week's battle against their in-state rival Cyclones. Beonard's loser: Northern Iowa

Nevada at Notre Dame

Offensive genius Charlie Weis has faced some criticism from the domer homers, He'll need to put together an impressive season if he wants to be granted absolution. He'll start off in the Indiana Vatican, defending against the Reno wolves. The western predators haven't beaten a ranked team in a long time, and unless Charlie's rosary beads are broken, Saturday won't end that streak. Beonard's loser: Nevada

Western Michigan at Michigan

RichRod didn't endear himself to the Ann Arbor alumni with last season's dismal record. This year, he hopes to get his program rolling back in the right direction. He'll start by hosting the traditional Directional Michigan patsy. The Broncos are capable horses, but they won't be able to keep from getting mauled. Beonard's loser: Western Michigan

Missouri at Illinois

The rivalry has favored the Tigers lately, but Ron Zook's tribe has no intention of letting the streak continue. Their tomahawks are sharp and the Show-Me stalkers will need to use their cat-like reflexes. With a new quarterback in place for Mizzou, this may finally be the year Illinois gets the win. Beonard's loser: Missouri

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin

Bret Bielma's Badger boys are anxious to shake off the spectre of an embarassing bowl loss, and there's nothing like attacking a pack of Huskies to put one's mind at ease. The DeKalb doggies can fare well against MAC opponents, but they'll find there's no room to sleep in Camp Randall Stadium. Beonard's loser: Northern Illinois

Alabama at Virginia Tech

When tragedy strikes in Blacksburg, as it does far too often, the Hokie faithful fill Lane Stadium to enjoy the release of sweet pigskin victory. When the Alabama tsunami crashes ashore, we'll see the first clash of top-10 titans. Bowl berths may be shaped by the outcome of this game, and conference superiority is on the line. This time, it'll go to the ACC. Beonard's loser: Alabama

Well, friends, that's all the gridiron genius that I can work up for you this week. Stay tuned next week when I'll have a whole new batch of losers.

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